There is a type of blog post called “Virtual Coffee Date” where the blogger in semi-conversational style talks about various things of interest. If you never have seen this style of post before, a random example of it can be found here (and by random I googled “blog coffee date”and this was the first running one that popped up).
We not doing that. We’re doing tequila shots so buckle up because here is how it goes:
I am one socially awkward dude, so if you actually ever meet me in person I kinda have a deer in headlights look at first. My jokes at this point are hit or miss because in real life I tend to say the first joke that comes to mind, instead of typing it and figuring out that it qualifies as dumb– even for me. At this point the jokes are about myself so it doesn’t matter much that they miss. In desperation I will bring up my blog. I will say that on Wednesday it had the highest number of hits and I have no clue why since I hadn’t posted any new content. Yeah, it’s that bad until…
As soon as this shot hits, you are in the sweet spot. I relax enough that you will stop wondering if I am going to drop of a stress induced heart attack. I have enough alcohol in me that the jokes have just the right bit of edge to them and pass for funny. I’ll talk about some of my racing stories and manage to make them sorta interesting. I will engage in actually conversation. I will make interesting observations and If you are lucky I don’t start feeling good about myself and jump to…
At first shot 3 may seem like an improvement or at least it does in my mind. Unfortunately that is the only place it seems like an improvement. The part of the brain that edits and filters comments starts to fade like a cheap T-shirt in hot water. This means that my wit, that to this point has been taking cheap shots at myself, turns its focus to the rest of the world. At its best, it works, at worst it looks like me doing speed work (sorry if you were eating and can’t get that image out of your mind). Topics can range the world. Maybe if you are lucky I will tell my worst racing experiences and it come across humorous. Anything to keep me from…
Whatever logic I had pretty much is gone at this point. This is a good point to convince me to jump between buildings, steal something from a cop, get my first tattoo or try poutine. (side note, I suspect at least one of you out there is probably taking the last sentence as a challenge). If you ever wanted unfiltered honestly about anyone, anything, this is time to ask since my speech isn’t too slurred . This is point I will tell you about the time I helped steal an entire dorm’s toothbrushes and planted them along their walkway. I will tell the story in a way that may make you think another shot may be a good idea. It’s not but you already ordered…
By this point, if I’m not in jail for stealing a cop’s hat, the adrenaline of meeting someone new has worn off. This causes me to be extremely introspective. This might be OK, but its me we are introspecting (yes, it’s a word) so it mostly comes off as maudlin. Running topics are off the table at this point since I will just whine about being old. After a few minutes you will figure out all topics really are off the table. You will say you are going to the bathroom, and after about 30 minutes I will figure out you aren’t ever coming back. Another blog reader lost.
Hey, I just got stuck with the bill
If you thought Canada annexing Ohio and other areas currently in the US was the last we would fight over the border, you would be wrong. Both the US and Canada (still under English rule) felt that Oregon was theirs. To try to avoid another war with the US, England agreed to joint rule over the area (via the Convention of 1818 if you really want your RDA of trivia). This worked about as well as a divorced couple living together. James Polk (an American President for my Canadian audience (OK, the Americans probably didn’t remember it either)) had promised in 1844 to take not only Oregon but annex all the way up through what is now Alaska. If the US didn’t get what it wanted, it would go to war with England again. We didn’t, the US went to war with Mexico instead and settled the border dispute to extend the 49th parallel (with the exception of giving Canada all of Vancouver Island instead of splitting it awkwardly in half).
Awkwardly split in half kinda describes this blog post come to think about it.